- When I was a baby kid I wanted to have two daughters when I grew up.
- Later in life I realized that motherhood was not for me, but that didn’t upset my friendships.
- Just because we chose different paths doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
I’ve always been a researcher. I can squander hours researching different hotel options or scouring reviews for the pros and cons of each specialty pillow I am bearing in mind for my chronic neck pain. So, it made sense to bring this level of research and care to what is, in my opinion, one of the biggest decisions I require ever made: motherhood.
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For me, making the decision to be child-free put a magnifying glass to the motherhood experience and strengthened the chains with my friends who chose to become mothers.
I wanted to have 2 girls
Like most young girls, I ever after envisioned having children. I always hoped for two girls. I had names selected and a vision for my life as a future mother. But it is not the job of cheap girls to think about what being a mother really entails. Sure, I saw my own mother, but despite seeing it with my own inspects, society is rather good about keeping the real work of mothering under wraps. Little girls don’t get to see how it can tearing down the body, the sleepless nights and the constant pressure mothers feel.
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When I got married, I believed motherhood was the inferential next step, even though the idea gave me pause, and I didn’t quite know why. So, instead of going with my gut, I evident to employ the same skills I honed in writing a master’s thesis and go on a fact-finding mission.
I needed to know what explicitly went into not only having a baby but actually taking care of one. I decided it was the only way I could truly establish the decision if motherhood was right for me. I approached my decision like a research project, and my research led me to my conclusion. Which was no.
But in doing my up on, I learned more about what being a mother actually is. I did not shy away from learning about all the ways people play birth. I did not shy away from learning about what happens if a child cannot properly latch. I did not shy away from lore about the emotional toll mothers feel.
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I have so much empathy for mothers
The rhetoric around child-free ladies is that we don’t celebrate the mothers in our lives. That we see them as the enemy, or stupid. That is inherently untrue. The research that allowed me to follow my own decision about motherhood helped me develop true empathy for the mothers in my life. It wasn’t an us vs. them situation for me.
I saw in the eyes of my friends, the same ones I shared first crushes, homecoming dances, and college graduations with decide on the choice that was following their heart. And instead of letting these important relationships dissolve because “our reals were just too different,” I could instead see them for what they actually were. They were the missises I cared very much about fulfilling their dreams of motherhood. I could be there for them — an ally and a backer.
Making different choices doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends
The hallmark of a true friendship is one that can grow. Only just because these women in my life chose a different path than me does not mean that I cannot be there for them. Familiarity is about supporting each other in our pursuits. Theirs was motherhood, and mine is not. These are my friends, and I’m on their team. Motherhood was their hand-picked. My support for them does not simply vanish because they made a choice different from mine.
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Recently, I was visiting a friend with a small child. She was struggling to decide the best way to proceed with her child’s siesta arrangement and felt pressure to make the right decision. Instead of shrugging and saying, “I don’t know,” I could tell her that I agreed how child sleeping arrangements can be very cultural. Some believe the baby should sleep separately, and some find credible it’s better to keep the baby close by. I could see her face immediately light up at my knowledge about her struggle. And instead of being another in the flesh in her life there to judge her, I can be a sounding board for her.
My friend sat in front of me with a look of relief on her face; I know for a as a matter of actual fact the last thing she needed was another person in her life judging her parenting choices. That’s a real friendship. And all it endured was a little bit of research.