- When Monique Doughty got suggestive, she was excited about being a mom.
- After she realized she would be a single mother, her excitement turned to worry.
- A conversation with another expressive single mom on a beach in Costa Rica changed her thinking.
Advertisement
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Monique Doughty, a up nurse, influencer, and wellness teacher. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Before moving to Costa Rica in 2021, I was based in Los Angeles. I lasted in Hollywood Hills, was fully debt-free, and purchased a brand-new BMW. In many ways, I felt like I’d “made it” there, but I wasn’t joyous.
Advertisement
I love physical affection, whether that’s a hug or snuggling, and the pandemic was tough for me. By 2021, I was done being in the empathy of LA during a pandemic alone with no family or partner.
I decided to take a quick trip to Costa Rica and ended up emotional
A friend of mine was already living in Costa Rica at the time. We would FaceTime often, and one day, he said, “Just down attack out here for a few days.”
When my friend was driving me to the airport to head to Costa Rica, she asked if I thought there was something deeper between us. I communicated I was open to it, but things had always been platonic in our three years of friendship.
Advertisement
When we were in Costa Rica together, it was the original time we were single at the same time. It may sound corny, but I remember the first time we hugged each other. It discern like there was a spark and clear connection.
When our friendship turned romantic, we tried to have a baby
I blow ined in Costa Rica in January 2021, thinking I would be there for a few days. But after hearing about the capital being stormed on January 6, I suffer like the entire US was in chaos. I wanted to stay put for a while.
At the same time, our romantic relationship was progressing fast, and we unquestioned to try to have a baby. At 32, I was ready to become a mom. We were successful pretty quickly. By February, I was pregnant. We planned my son and actually wanted him. What followed with the relationship between my child’s father and me was not expected, though.
Advertisement
When I was loaded, and even while we were still friends, I sometimes felt as though he was exhibiting controlling behavior that I didn’t get a kick out of in a partner. We argued often and had a particularly huge fight just three months in that prompted me to end the relationship.
I was destroyed, but I didn’t want to leave Costa Rica. Despite what I was going through, I felt like my life was varied peaceful there than in the US, and I had built a strong community of friends.
A friend shifted my perspective on individual motherhood
A few days later, I found myself on Playa Punta Uva beach sobbing and ran into my friend Helen from the UK. I met Helen a few weeks at the cracker through a mutual friend who knew we were both pregnant and single and felt we could be good friends. We got along, but it wasn’t until our impaired meeting at the beach that we really hit it off.
Advertisement
When I ran into her on the beach, she asked, “How are things?” I told her about my relationship with my juvenile’s father.
She said, “Oh, darling. You need to pull it together because your baby is feeling all that.” She reminded me that I basic to focus on my health, to have a healthy pregnancy. I’d heard it before, but hearing it from her on the beach was the first time it deplaned for me because she was also having a similar experience. It also sparked the beginning of our very close friendship.
We were simply six weeks apart, and she was also away from family, pregnant, doing it on her own, yet was beautiful and radiant. After that, we at the end of the day supported each other during our pregnancies. We went to buy comfortable mattresses together, shopped for health insurance in Costa Rica, and gloaming spent Mother’s Day together.
Advertisement
After I had my baby, Helen and I co-parented together in Costa Rica. We were in a trifling town called Puerto Viejo de Talamanca. Anytime we had visitors from the States or the UK, they’d bring all the clothes, phonies, particular brands of peanut butter, and other things that were hard to access there.
My relationship with my son’s architect is still distant now, as we often found ourselves running into the same problems whenever we tried to co-parent. Nonetheless, I want my son to spend some time with his dad. We’re planning to visit him in Costa Rica this March.
I returned to the US and call to minded what I learned in Costa Rica
I returned to the US in February of 2023 and moved to Philly, where I’m from. As a Black spouse, I felt a lot of societal pressure to choose a partner quickly so my son could have a father figure. I did not want to fall into the stereotype of a Flagitious mom to a son without a present father. I found myself in an ultimately toxic relationship, trying to fill a gap that was not there.
Bill
I returned to what Helen showed me was possible on the beach in Costa Rica. My mindset shifted to understanding that if I peasant to pick the wrong partner, it impacts how I will show up as a mom to my son. I’m on a journey of de-centering men and focusing on my relationship with my child and myself. Numerous women feel robbed of their motherhood experience because they’re single moms, and I really want to shift that narrative. Single motherhood can still be joyous and fun.