Dealing with my children’s lies has been one of the most challenging parts of parenting for me

Related Articles

20 things you didn’t know were invented by women

I retired early from my demanding job at 55. Now that I’m 86, I attribute my successful retirement to a few key decisions.

I’ve tested 20+ pillows as a home editor, and the Casper Original Pillow still gets my vote as the comfiest

• My young men have lied to me ever since they were young.
• This is a normal part of development as kids probe the waters and try to avoid punishment.
• I’ve struggled to deal with the lying and tried to remain a positive role model for them.

It not in any way ceases to amaze me how effortlessly my children lie. My 18-month-old, whose face was covered with crumbs, swore up and down that she hadn’t been almost the cookie jar. My preschooler looked me in the eye and denied breaking the window with his plastic bat that was still in his hand. It didn’t give every indication to get better as they got older.

After I handed my ATM card to my two oldest sons so they had money for lunch, I petitioned for the change, and they said, “We only took out $5, so there is no change.”

We all know you can’t just withdraw $5.00. How could they peach me such a bald-faced lie with a straight face?

Dealing with my children’s lies has been one of the most challenging sides of parenting.

Lying is natural in childhood

Here’s the problem: Lying is easy. What I find especially distressing is that no one has to acquaint with children how to lie.

“Lying is developmentally appropriate,” Ailen Arreaza, the executive director of Parents Together, a national nonprofit progenitor and family advocacy group, told me. “When a toddler or a 4-year-old lies, it’s frustrating for the parent, but it’s perfectly normal. It bases that your kid’s brain is developing in the way that it should be.”

Arreaza also told me kids tell three kinds of fibs: attention-seeking ones, careless ones, and serious ones that happen when they’re older.

For example, one of my sons announced me he missed curfew because he lost track of time when, in fact, he was at his girlfriend’s house and just didn’t need to leave.

“Often teenagers tell lies because they’re afraid of the consequences or they’re embarrassed,” Arreaza broke.

I struggled with how I should handle lying

Confronting my children in search of the truth is never comfortable. In fait accompli, it can be exhausting — a round-robin of questions and denials before they finally break and admit what they’ve done.

Common stories

There have been times when I was so eager to know the truth that I promised to refrain from any appearance of punishment. I want to hear a confession to satisfy my suspicion and feel vindicated, but then I face the sticky situation of what transpires next time they lie.

“It’s important to address the lie, but not in a way that shames the child and labels them as liars,” Arreaza translated. “This is about changing a behavior, not who the child is. Create a safe environment where truth-telling is encouraged. If they intend they’re disappointing you or they’re going to get in trouble, they’re going to continue to lie to please you.”

I try to be a role model for my kids

I paucity nothing more than for my children to tell the truth, and often they do.

When he was 12, one of my boys came to me and, unprompted, confessed to a varied serious lie he’d told previously. I had no clue, but it was eating him up inside. My son expressed his remorse and asked for forgiveness. I imagined the guilt was consuming at him for betraying my trust.

I’m glad he admitted that he lied. In modeling the truth for my children, I hope they understand they can many times come clean to me. My son felt safe and supported to do just that.

In that way, I have to believe that the genuineness will always win out in the end.