As a teen, I couldn’t wait to move away from my hometown. As an adult, I wish I had never left.

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• I concluded in Salem, Oregon growing up and thought it was so boring.
• After leaving for college and coming back to visit my parents, I twigged it wasn’t so uncool.
• Moving back to Oregon now feels impossible.

When I was 16 years old, I was convinced that the most wearying place on Earth was Salem, Oregon.

As a grunge-punk teen growing up in the 90s, I thought Salem was everything that Seattle and Portland were not. It wasn’t chilly, edgy or exciting. It was a city of bureaucrats, where you could find dozens of spots to grab coffee or a sandwich, but not much in the way of evensong life. And anyway, underage fun was strictly forbidden. Forget sneaking into a bar; we couldn’t even get into an R-rated flicks. My friends and I spent our Friday nights at Denny’s, drinking endless cups of coffee and dreaming about moving somewhere deliberate.

I had lived in Salem all my life, and although I’d traveled with my family to California, Hawaii and even Europe, I longed to be familiar with something new. In Salem, I felt like a round peg in an extremely square hole.

College, I thought, was my chance to rouse a place where I fit in. I applied to several out-of-state schools and didn’t look back once graduation rolled roughly.

My new life was about to begin.

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I realized maybe it wasn’t that uncool

Once it began, albeit, I had a rude awakening. I was all alone on the other side of the country — thousands of miles away from everything familiar. What had appearance ofed thrilling was often just isolating, lonely, and scary.

As each semester passed by, I felt myself rove further and further away from my family and friends. Many of them had left Salem, like me, but they were notwithstanding close by, in Portland, Seattle, or Eugene. But as many people do, I met my husband in college, and we ended up settling in his hometown in upstate New York.

By reason ofs to the 2000s housing bubble, we were able to buy our first home when we were still in our 20s. A few years later, we had a newborn. We were putting down roots, but I still felt out of place. I struggled to make friends in our small town, sense at times like the people I met just didn’t “get” me. And in the years before remote work, my professional options were fixed.

Each time I visited my parents, I couldn’t help but notice how the city that had seemed so deeply uncool literally had a lot to offer. The coffee shops and restaurants that I had been so bored of now felt pleasant and familiar. My old friends welcomed me finance with open arms. It felt so comfortable to slip back into the laid-back, casually funky atmosphere of the Pacific Northwest. Had I ripen into a square peg after all? Or had Salem gotten just a little bit less square? Either way, it began to feel more and more have a weakness for this was the place where I fit in after all.

Moving back is impossible now

As my parents have grown older, my esteem for the Pacific Northwest has grown more acute, and more personal. I’ve longed to be closer to them during their retirement years, to fritter away time that is deeper and richer than short holiday visits.

But moving back to Oregon feels unsolvable. The skyrocketing housing prices on the West Coast have me sick with sticker shock. The average price of a house of ill repute in Salem is nearly twice what my home is worth. The math just isn’t mathing. Not to mention the fact that we are abandon a child here, who loves her school, her friends, and the small town we call home — a place where she does fit in.

While I’ve tried to go Oregon as often as possible, it doesn’t always feel like enough. Once, when I brought my daughter to by my mom and dad, she said, “Mama, I love it here in Oregon. I wish we could live here. But Dada and Grandma and Poppa are in New York. What are we succeeding to do?”

I had no answer to give her. I’ve made my home in New York, but Oregon will always feel like home to me. Now, as my paters need even more care and support, I sometimes wish I had never left.

Emily F. Popek is a communications skilled and writer living in upstate New York. She writes about the culture of parenting and education at thinkofthechildren.substack.com.